We’ve been talking a lot again lately. And I swear, I thought we could have clicked. We somehow have this connection. We can easily talk about anything.
Your name, I search for every time I’m online. Always wishing you’d pop up. Waiting you’d be the one starting the conversation. Like it’s an unspoken contest on who will break first.
But does it really matter? The conversation would go on for hours. Exchanges are never one sided. And then another unspoken competition goes on. Who will end the conversation.
We’d talk for hours. About random things. About things I’ve never told anyone. About things I’m now keeping from everyone. About secrets, issues, gossips. About almost anything.
And the time will finally come to put thus to an end. Most of the time, you’d just fall asleep on me. I hated it but I understand you’re tired and busy. I’m most probably already contented with the time you already gave me. And the feeling that you gave. Somehow, I felt accepted when I thought no one would.
And my day would be complete. And the cycle will just go on.
There are times when we just don’t talk to each other for week. And I thought, ah, I guess it was just a fleeting moment. Our closeness, our friendship, all would be gone after weeks of no communication. But it never did.
I waited, hoped even, for you to give some hints. Hints of something more. More than what we already had. More than friendship. But it never came. And my hopes were immediately dismissed and kept deep in a secret. Never really acknowledged and always being denied of existing. I kept my silence. I kept my distance. I stood away cause being too close to the edge, falling is inevitable.
And maybe my silence alarmed you. Maybe you thought I was hurt by something you did and owed me an apology. And here, I’d tell you, you owe me nothing.
But I took the gesture the wrong way. I actually thought you missed me. That this was the sign, the moment I’ve been waiting for. That there’s a future us.
And we’re back to our old ways. Of long nights and floaty conversations. And the feeling deeply hidden and kept, emerged without hesitation, without fail. And hope came along with it. Hope that lived a very short life.
Through a series of conversations, that hope bloomed and grew. Hungry to be finally out awaiting confirmation. But early this morning, that hope died a horrid death.
It was crushed fine and quick. And in its remains grew bitterness and quickly shielded me from further pain. Denied the feeling of ever wanting love, bitterness reenforced with pride molded a strong mask to bury the pain.
Hope never saw the light of day. But pain have already aroused.
I was never rejected, there was no confirmation to begin with. He just told me, when I joked about him having feelings for me, that it was impossible. That I could never make him have feeling for me. And that was enough.
We joked and talked about other things right away. I was hurt, yes, but it was just a scratch. I would heal in no time. It might also be posed as a challenge, and challenges always drives me. Oh, how I loved being right.
But never again would I look at these things as a challenge. One thing I’ve learned from the past that you can never make someone like you. I’m never going to make that mistake again.
Confidence is something that I wish I had.
I’ve always appeared to have this strong character. I appear to be so sure of myself. Like I’m in control. That I love every single thing about me. When in fact I don’t.
I’ve always hated my body. My stomach too big, my butt and boobs too small, my legs too fat and my oh-so-gigantic arms. It was always a struggle to answer the question “What part of your body do you love/like the most?” It seemed that every single part of me was wrong.
I never also liked my face. My chin is just so prominent, my nose too small, my face too fat, my flat lips. The only part of my face that I somehow not exactly hate are my eyes. But I wish they weren’t single lidded.
I’m never contented with myself. I’ve always wished I was someone else. To bring myself up, I tried to bring other people down. Looking only at their flaws to make me feels better about myself. And envy took over me.
I became a little depressed because of Facebook. Seeing other people’s happy lives makes me feel so miserable. Like the world is conspiring to show me how worthless I am.
I measured my worth on the likes I get. I compared myself to others who get many likes. I craved people’s attention and eyes but was always afraid to be judged. To be on the ugly side of the spotlight.
And that’s where I fell. People judged. People talked. And I fell apart. And they just watched. So I hid.
I stayed away from the spotlight. I kept my life private. I became afraid. Afraid to open up. Afraid to be close to anyone. Afraid to be happy.
And that’s where I am today. I spent my days dreaming about alternate realities that can never happen. Where my life would be better. Where I would be better. And now I’m stuck.
I’m writing this because I hope this would help me change my outlook in life. I’ve tried to fool myself into getting better by pretending that these unsecurities never existed. But they would never go away my just covering them up.
I’m writing this to make it real. To make me accept that this is happening. I need to acknowledge these issues before I can start to fix them.
I need to accept myself to be able to move forward.
Maybe it is already real. Or not. I don’t actually know. I’m a bit confused. I’m still a mess as usual. And well, ugh. I don’t wanna talk about this yet. So let me tell you about school instead. And maybe the ultra long summer too.
Well, due to the academic calendar shift in our university, instead of having classes on June, it was moved to August. It’s only our second week. Not much has happened yet. So far, it was peaceful and kinda weird. A little boring. Things are moving slowly. So far, I’m in pace with my subjects. A bit rusty at some areas but yeah, good enough.
So far, the most eventful thing that has happened to me was moving in with 2 roommates. After 1 and a half years of living alone, I now have two roommates. I usually want to be alone and lots of space for myself but I’m looking forward to this kinda new thing. I’m excite to do activities with them. Though the two of them are much closer, I’m finding it really comforting to actually have some people around. So, let’s just see how the sem turns out ;)
For the long summer. Well, it was long. But I was not vacant at all. I interned at my sister’s office. It was kind of weird to be around my sister almost 24/7. I discovered why my youngest sister hated being around her. She was actually annoying. And self righteous and self involved. And I hated how she always feels that she knows so much better than I am. She does actually. But she doesn’t really need to put it in my face. I didn’t actually grew much in that office. But the good thing was I got free food. I ate almost 5 times a day (good bye diet) and free movies! My sister and her office mates go to the cinemas almost every week. And I got 11k from it. Yey! It wasn’t a very wonderful experience but at least I know that a working environment like that won’t work for me.
So that’s all about “work” I guess. But the long summer was more eventful than that. One of the perks of having your sister as you boss is that asking for permission to absent was as easy as saying hi. I just have to say it. No questions asked, it’s approved. So it was easy for me to go on my adventures!
ADVENTURE 1: Calaguas
My first summer adventure was going to Calaguas with TnK (old orgmates, well older than me). I’m not a picture person so yeah, I won’t post any pictures. HAHAHA. Anyway, during that trip, what I thought died long ago went springing back to life when somebody brought it up. And now, I still can’t kill it or ignore it or anything at all. But oh well. And at the same time, something started. But I dunno. I really don’t think it will go anywhere. Anywaaaay, we went surfing that time. It was my first time! I fell like a million times, but hey, it’s okay to faaaaall :)) with… jk :))) HAHAHA But kidding aside, maybe it is? I’m not really sure. And oh.. I puked inside the van. It was humiliating but oh well :)))
ADVENTURE 2: Potipot Adventure
My almost birthday celebration adventure. We were there overnight, May 17 - May 18, a day before my birthday. It was the almost spontaneous not so planned outing we had. We barely had any idea on how to get there and other stuff but I’m glad we went there. It was fun because somehow, we pulled it off. Slept under the stars for a while and had deep conversations with people. Though we only stayed overnight, I can say it was a great experience.
ADVENTURE 3: DSP goes to Pangasinan
Kinda acads-vacation cross-over with my Super Duper Ultimate Crush #2. (He’s #2 since I totally have no chance with him hahahaha) buuuut I’m still ultra happy to be with him. At least we now can communicate HAHA Even if it’s acads related. I really went gaga there. In summary, we just recorded people read passages/words on a dialect (pangasinense) and HE WAS MY RECODING PARTNER! We watched movies together hihi. It was like a little date <3 Every little thing related to him, I jump with extreme bliss. It was like heaveeeen <3 But it was not long huhu. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. Char =))
ADVENTURE 4: Cagbalete Drive
Another outing with TnK. I was so glad I was still invited. Didn’t expect it after the puking incident. Thing here got very adventurous hahaha. Let’s not get much into details. But gah. Some things you just can’t stoooop. I hope I still can. EMERGENCY BREAK! Ultra weird beach though. Water was super shallow. I don’t know how people swim in that water.
ADVENTURE 5: Talent Show
Not so much of an adventure. Just got ultra drunk. Like super. Like puking and crying drunk. The kind of drunk where you’re not really sure if you want to remember everything or if you just want to forget everything. Super not a good kinda drunk. I wish I could undo it.
ADVENTURE 6: Year plan
Also not really an adventure. It was supposed to be. But the Yolanda happened. I hate that typhoon. Lots of pretending to be happy by talking/texting someone. Or am I? =)) Char. But I’M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
That was that I guess. And a lot of cinemas. Super. :)) Sponsored by my sister of course. The latter part were mostly get together with HS friends. Drinking sessions. Yeah, that was fun. Also more books for our library. Yey!
So I’m trying to keep my mind of things… Not really a thing but you get me, right? I’m trying to stay away. Because I don’t wanna get sucked inside a black hole again. Even when I need to or want to be close, I’ll stay away. That’s why I’m here. Lashing out on a different thing. Because I can’t talk about it. But I will. I promise. Just not today. Or any day soon for that matter. But please be here. When I’m ready, please listen, okay?
That moving on time I gave myself, well it’s almost over. And I haven’t moved even a bit.
Okay, this may not be such a big deal but I really wanna look, well, better. Like those girls guys talk about or even just notice.
Anyway, since I don’t really have a pretty face, all I can do is have a better physique. So I’ve measured my stats.And it’s just frustrating.
Yeah, I shouldn’t really define myself with physical beauty but honestly, people will mostly notice physical qualities first. So I try my best to be somehow noticed. And I’m terribly failing at it.
Okay, that’s quite it. Teenage drama right. Well, I’m still a teen right now so better max out all the dramas. I only have 22 days left before I turn 20. Good luck to meee!
Fitness 2014! :)
Oh, f*ck u Facebook!
FB was like “I heard you were moving on. Here’s a picture to remind you of the past.”
And FB friends was like “HUEHUEHUE”
And I was like T_T
So somebody bumped this picture of us. (first photo)
And bumped it with I-SO-WILL-KILL-YOU and I-THOUGHT-FRIENDS comments (shown in picture 2)
I just wanna kill them right now. T_T Stabbing me at where it would hurt most </3
And I’m back (at 3 at least hehe) -_-
I just soooo feel that this is somehow about me.
Oh, don’t flatter yourself. Surely, you don’t even pass by his mind anymore.
Censored names so in case anyone find out about this, their identities wouldn’t be easily given away.